Most people who say they hate networking are describing one activity: standing in a room with a drink, talking to strangers, hoping something comes of it. That activity is genuinely unpleasant for many people, and for most job searches it is close to worthless.
The version that produces introductions is nothing like it. It is a list of fifteen specific people you already have some connection to, a short written message sent one at a time, and a request small enough that saying yes costs twenty minutes.
Why weak ties do the work
The people who introduce you to jobs are usually not close friends. Close contacts know the same people you know and hear about the same roles. The useful contacts sit at the edge of your circle — a colleague from two employers ago, someone you did a project with once, a person from a course or a professional group.
They sit in different networks, so they know about openings you would never see. And the ask is easier for them: no complicated history, and passing your name along costs almost nothing.
This is why the instinct to "not bother people" is backwards. The people you feel most awkward about contacting are the ones who will forget the exchange in a week either way.
Build the list of fifteen
Not a strategy, a list. Write down names until you have fifteen. Draw from:
- Former colleagues and managers, including from jobs you left years ago.
- People who left your current or previous employer for somewhere you would like to work.
- Anyone you worked with across a company boundary — clients, suppliers, agency counterparts.
- People from your education or professional body now working in your target field.
- People you met once and exchanged a couple of messages with.
Fifteen is deliberate: small enough to finish in a fortnight, large enough that a normal response rate produces several conversations.
Reconnecting after years of silence
The awkwardness is almost entirely on your side. A dormant contact is not offended that you went quiet; they went quiet too.
Do not over-apologise for the gap — one clause, then straight to the point. And do not disguise the ask as a catch-up. People can see it coming, and the pretence is what makes it feel grubby.
A message that works is roughly four sentences:
- Where you know each other from, with one specific detail that proves you remember.
- What you are doing now, in one line.
- What you are looking for, specifically enough to be actionable.
- A small, bounded ask.
"Bounded" is the load-bearing part. "Do you know of any jobs" is unanswerable. "Would you have twenty minutes in the next fortnight to tell me how the team structure works at your place?" is a yes or no question with a known cost.
What to actually send
Four sentences, one specific memory, one concrete ask with a time limit attached. Send them one at a time over a fortnight rather than in a batch, and never ask for a job in a first message — ask for twenty minutes, information, or the name of one person worth talking to.
How to run an informational conversation
You asked for twenty minutes. Take twenty minutes. Ending early is the strongest signal that you were honest about the ask.
Come with four or five questions. The useful ones are about how things work rather than whether they will help you:
- How is the team structured, and where does this kind of work sit?
- What does someone in that role spend most of their week doing?
- How did the last two people in the team get hired — internally, referred, or through a posting?
- What is hard about the job that would not be obvious from outside?
- Who else would be worth talking to?
That last question is the mechanism. Most introductions come not from the person you contacted but from the person they name, which is how fifteen becomes thirty without more cold outreach.
Do not ask for a referral in the first conversation. If it is offered, accept. If not, the door stays open, which is worth more than a reluctant yes.
What to send afterwards
Within 24 hours, three or four sentences. Thank them, name one specific thing they said that changed how you are thinking, and confirm what you will do next. If they named someone, ask whether you can use their name.
Then the part nearly everyone skips: a short update six to eight weeks later. Two sentences on what happened. This converts a one-off exchange into a contact who will help again, and it costs a minute.
Keeping it from feeling transactional
It feels transactional when it is one-directional and compressed into the fortnight you need something. Be specific rather than broad — people help with a defined problem and cannot help with a vague one. Close the loop always, including when the answer was no use. And do something small in return: pass on a role that suits them, introduce two people who should know each other, answer someone else's cold message properly.
The people who find networking easy are not better at conversation. They have been sending short updates to a few dozen people for years, so the ask, when it comes, is one message in a long exchange rather than the whole relationship.
A note on markets
Norms vary. Direct messages to strangers are routine in some markets and read as intrusive in others, and in several an introduction through a mutual contact is close to mandatory. If you are searching in a country you have not worked in, ask someone local what an acceptable first approach looks like before sending fifteen of them.